4 Steps to Learn How to Be With Your Feelings

Don’t cry.  Crying is weak.  Many of us grow up with messages that we shouldn’t feel any “bad” feelings like anger or sadness.  So to be accepted, we learn to shut down and avoid feeling.  But emotions that start as sensations in our body are meant for our survival.  They give us messages about what’s happening.  Emotions let us know if our needs are being met - we cry as a baby to let our caregivers know we need something.  So we have an emotion and ask for what we need.  That doesn’t change as we age.  

When we grow up being told not to feel, yet our bodies naturally do, we must learn ways to cope which can show up in negative ways through drugs, shopping, over working, overeating, busyness or self harming behaviors.  These behaviors keep emotions at bay and bring us calm for the moment.  

Avoiding or ignoring emotions does not make them go away. They’re there waiting as soon as the avoiding behavior stops.  We also can not pick and choose what we are shutting down to so if you are shutting down to sadness or anger, you also shut down to happiness and joy. Your body numbs to all of it.   When we avoid them using negative behaviors, it only brings relief temporarily and then we need more and more things to keep emotions down and stay numb to them.  That becomes exhausting. 

Emotions are always flowing through us, coming and going.  You can experience difficult emotions and not stay stuck in them.  When we learn to sit with our feelings and just notice them, they only last about 60 seconds.  

When you learn to lean in and sit with your feelings, you can learn about what you need.  Just like a baby crying for food or nurturing.  A client expressed anger about how her partner was scheduling time to see her.  She felt anger and rage and the urge to end the relationship - her way of coping when anger or hurt arose in relationship.  Since learning to sit with and lean into what she was feeling, she noticed the anger move to sadness and hurt.  She was able to express that and processing through her feelings allowed her to stay in the relationship and they actually became closer.

Experiencing your emotions and being vulnerable with those we trust, brings us closer and can help us change that messaging and wiring that says “don’t feel.”  When we shut down to our feelings, we shut down to what we need. Emotions allow us to experience the joys and sorrows of life. They also help us to develop and navigate our way through relationships and make important life choices. 

How to start leaning into and sitting with your feelings.  

Your body has responses that provide you clues to exploring your emotional experience.  Increasing your awareness of your emotional experience will enhance your ability to stay in tune with the emotions you have. Tuning in and noticing allows your feelings to be there rather than pushing them away which can influence depression or anxiety. .  

1.  It starts with paying attention.  Simply pay attention to your emotion and where you feel it in your body.  As you scan your body from head to toe, you might notice several sensations.  That could be tightness or a lump in your throat, a knot in your stomach or a teary feeling in your eyes.  Notice the body response with curiosity.  Notice where it starts and where it stops. Notice if there is a temperature associated with it.  Where is it most intense? Where is it weakest? Is there any pulse or vibration? Is it light or heavy? Moving or still? Warm or cool? 

2.  Notice the body sensation.  Noticing the body sensation allows us to be more present to what we are feeling.  Just witness the physical sensation. Allow the sensation to be there even though you don’t like it.  This may be difficult and you may have a strong urge to push it away or fight the feeling.  Just acknowledge that urge and bring your attention back to the emotion and sensation.  

Remember: don't try to get rid of the sensation or alter it. If it changes by itself, that's OK. If it doesn't change, that's OK, too. Changing or getting rid of it is not the goal. The goal is to make peace with it, to let it be even if you don't like it or want it.

You may need to focus on the sensation anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes, until you completely give up the struggle with it. Be patient; take as long as you need. You're learning a valuable skill.

3.  Acknowledge that you are feeling. Name it to tame it or feel it to heal it, they say.  When we are habited to avoid our feelings, it’s uncomfortable to notice what we are feeling and not go to our habit to avoid or shut down.  Acknowledge there are emotions here.  Say to yourself, “I’m feeling sad, and that’s okay.”  That loosens the grip the emotion has over us.

Most of us fear emotions will take over but emotions are in control when we feel the need to avoid them or push them away.  Ask yourself what am I feeling?  Can I be with it?  What do I need now?  How can I nurture myself?  

4.  Allow feelings to move THROUGH, not get stuck or wallow, but move through. The key is to try not to control your emotions.  That is the hardest part.  Be kind and compassionate with yourself, like you would with a friend or a child.  Validate that you are feeling something and it’s okay.  Being with it allows it to lessen its grip on us and our need to push it away.  

It takes practice to change a habit and the wiring in our brain to avoid feelings. But how beautiful it is to feel it all!

When we learn to be with and process our feelings, we live a less stressful and healthier life and experience closer relationships.  If you want to learn to stop avoiding what you feel or to regulate overwhelming feelings and find tools to cope with your feelings, contact me here.