How to Heal Disorganized Attachment

You’re sharing with your boyfriend about your day. It was a frustrating hard one. He tries to fix it and tell you what you could do, and it feels like he’s arguing with you. You don’t feel like he’s hearing you, and now you just want to get away from him as the only way to feel calm is be alone. Then you feel bad and feel like you need to make nice, to make things okay again.

When you have a disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style, not feeling heard or feeling criticized in any way can be triggering as it feels like rejection. Your body doesn’t feel safe. This causes you to respond in a way to protect yourself. You are hyper vigilant to your partner, noticing very subtle cues and gestures as you need to feel in control, and that makes it very difficult to relax. Your nervous system is activated in fight/flight and it’s difficult to feel calm and regulated. So one moment you are pulling away to protect yourself, and the next you seeking your partner for reassurance that you’re okay with each other. This is part of your dance in your relationships.

Disorganized attachment is a type of insecure attachment that can result from traumatic or inconsistent early caregiving experiences. Your caregiver was a source of security AND fear. That means the parent or caregiver you turned to for love was also a parent or caregiver who did not feel safe. That can lead to difficulty in forming and maintaining healthy relationships throughout life. Signs of disorganized attachment are an inability to regulate your emotions when you feel rejected or abandoned. At times, you may shut down and other times you lash out, depending whether your anxious or avoidant tendency is activated. However, healing disorganized attachment is possible. Here are some steps that can aid in the healing process:

An important part of healing your attachment style is learning to understand your nervous system and manage the anxiety in your body.

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practices such as meditation and deep breathing can help you become more aware of your emotions and physical sensations. This can help you regulate your emotions and respond to triggers in a more productive way. A simple breathing exercise is to inhale for a count of four and exhale for a count of 8. The longer exhale sends a signal to the brain that you are safe and can calm the body. Mindfulness helps calms the body and allows one to have a more conscious response.

Focus on self-care: Prioritizing self-care is essential in healing disorganized attachment. Engage in activities that bring you joy and make you feel good about yourself. This can include exercise, spending time with loved ones, or pursuing hobbies. Notice when you are shutting down (like binge watching tv) and take care of your feelings by reaching out, journaling, tapping, stomp your feet or whatever way helps you be with and release what you are feeling.

Develop healthy relationships: Building healthy relationships can aid in healing disorganized attachment. Seek out relationships with people who are consistent, supportive, trustworthy, and responsive to your needs. These are the relationships where you feel safe inside. No walking on eggshells here. This can help you develop a more secure attachment style and help regulate your nervous system and keep you calm.

Be patient and kind to yourself: Healing disorganized attachment is a process that takes time and effort. It is important to be patient and kind to yourself during this process. Celebrate your progress and acknowledge your successes, no matter how small they may seem. Write down when you choose to go against your wiring to react and choose a healthier way. Writing it down helps reinforce it.

Seek therapy: Working with a therapist who specializes in attachment theory is essential in healing disorganized attachment. They can help you understand how your early experiences have impacted your attachment style, and guide you towards developing a more secure attachment style as you understand your own wiring and know what to seek in a partner.

By following these steps and working with a therapist, healing disorganized attachment is possible. Remember, it is never too late to develop a more secure attachment style and form healthy relationships. If you are seeking to heal your disorganized attachment, contact me here.