Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

As a therapist, I have worked with many highly sensitive people over the years. Often, these individuals come to me feeling overwhelmed, misunderstood, and alone. Highly sensitive people feel like they don't fit in with the rest of society and struggle to find their place in the world. I understand these feelings as I am a highly sensitive person and have struggled to feel understood.

So, what does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? According to psychologist Elaine Aron, who coined the term, highly sensitive people (HSPs) have a nervous system that is more easily overwhelmed by stimulation. They are more perceptive and attuned to their environment, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, and strong smells. HSPs are also more empathetic, intuitive, and emotional than non-HSPs.

While being a highly sensitive person can certainly have its challenges, it is not a disorder or a weakness. Rather, it is a unique trait that can bring many strengths and gifts to one's life. HSPs tend to be highly creative, compassionate, and insightful. They have a deep understanding of the human experience and can connect with others on a deep level.

However, being a highly sensitive person in a world that values toughness and resilience can be very challenging. HSPs may feel like they don't fit in, and they may struggle to find a job or a social group that values their sensitivity. They may also struggle with anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, as they are more easily overwhelmed by stress and negativity.

As a therapist, my goal is to help highly sensitive people embrace their sensitivity and find ways to thrive in a world that may not always understand you. This may involve learning coping skills to manage overwhelm, setting boundaries to protect your energy, and finding ways to express your creativity and intuition.

If you are a highly sensitive person, it's important to remember that you are not alone. It is studied that approximately 20% of the population are highly sensitive so there are many others out there who share your sensitivity, and there are resources available to help you embrace and celebrate your unique gifts. Whether it's finding a supportive community, working with a therapist who understands your sensitivity, or simply taking time for self-care, there are many ways to live a fulfilling and joyful life as a highly sensitive person.

Being a highly sensitive person is not a weakness or a disorder. It is a unique trait that brings many strengths and gifts to one's life. While it can be challenging to navigate a world that may not always understand or value sensitivity, with the right support and tools, highly sensitive people can thrive and lead fulfilling lives. If you are struggling as an HSP, feel free to reach me here for support.

How an Anxiety Therapist Healed her Cuticle Picking Habit.

You can heal your cuticle picking habit

Do you find yourself picking at your cuticles when you're feeling anxious? If so, you're not alone. Many people use nervous habits like picking at their skin as a coping mechanism for anxiety.  Cuticle picking, also known as onychotillomania or dermatillomania, is a compulsive behavior that involves the repetitive picking and tearing of the skin around the nails. This behavior can be driven by a variety of factors including anxiety, stress, boredom, or even perfectionism. It usually begins as a way to self soothe and becomes an unconscious habit. Those who engage in cuticle picking may find temporary relief or satisfaction from their actions, but ultimately it can lead to pain, bleeding, and infection. This habit can be both physically and emotionally damaging, affecting self-esteem and body image.

Growing up, I don’t remember feeing calm in my house very often.  I didn’t have a parent offering consistent soothing.  I didn’t feel secure, safe or calm. I learned to self sooth by biting or picking my nails.  As I grew up and wanted to have nice nails, I stopped biting and picking my nails but that lead to picking my cuticles. I was jealous of friends who had pretty fingers and nails.  I felt disgusting, especially when someone would notice or would want to hold my hand where there might be band aids to cover up the injury. 

Why do we pick our cuticles?

When we feel anxious, our body releases cortisol, a stress hormone. This hormone triggers the "fight or flight" response, causing our body to go into survival mode. Our heart rate increases, our breathing quickens, and our muscles tense up. In this state, our body is preparing to face a threat or run away from it.

However, in our modern world, most of the things that trigger our anxiety are not life-threatening. They're things like work deadlines, social situations, or financial stress. When we can't fight or flee from these stressors, we may turn to coping mechanisms like picking at our cuticles.

Picking at our cuticles can provide a temporary sense of relief from our anxiety. It distracts us from our worries and gives us something to focus on. It also simply becomes an unconscious habit.  It can lead to skin damage, infections, and even more anxiety.

How can we break the cycle of anxiety and cuticle picking?

The first step is to recognize the behavior. Pay attention to when you're picking at your cuticles and what triggers the behavior. Where are you and when does it happen?  Are you socializing?  Working?  Sitting alone watching a show?  Waiting in line at a store? This awareness can help you identify patterns and develop strategies to cope with your anxiety.

I noticed I picked most of the time. I would pick at work, socializing or even just laying on the couch when I assumed I was calm.

Once you've identified the triggers (when and where you are most likely to pick), work on finding healthier ways to cope with your anxiety. This could include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, or talking to a therapist. There's no one-size-fits-all solution, so experiment with different techniques and find what works best for you.

Finally, keep your hands busy. If you're prone to picking at your cuticles when you're idle, try keeping your hands busy with a stress ball or fidget toy. This can help redirect your nervous energy and give you something else to focus on.

I tried for many years to break this habit that brought me shame but nothing ever worked.  I paid to get my nails done which diminished it a little as I would fear judgement from the nail tech.  I bought cuticle creams and lotions.  But the unconscious habit persisted. It wasn’t until I chose to to take a mindful and somatic approach to my cuticle picking that it changed. I learned to pay attention, to really tune in to my body, and what I was feeling when I would notice my urge to pick.  As soon I caught myself picking, I would stop, take a breath and pay attention inside.  That daily practice help me understand that because of how I grew up, most of the time, my nervous system struggles to be calm.  It’s a daily practice of tuning in and letting whatever is there to be there.  It’s amazing how that simple act of “being with” calms my body down and changes my need to need pick.

Now, I am also never without jojoba oil pens or hand lotion.  Though I researched how to stop this habit over the years, it wasn’t until I found The Salon Life on YouTube where she explained the difference between the cuticle and the proximal nail fold or living skin and how to take care of it!  As my proximal nail fold/living skin around my fingers has healed, the urge to pick has also diminished.  There will always be dry skin there but I have become so conscious of the habit, and even though I still may pick here or there, the daily unconscious habit has changed.  After decades of this unconscious habit and soothing myself this way, I have found alternatives, and I am finally band aid free, it feels so good to look at my healed fingers.

Remember, breaking a nervous habit takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way. With persistence and the right tools, you can overcome this behavior and find relief from your anxiety.

Picking at our cuticles is a common coping mechanism for anxiety. By recognizing the behavior, understanding your wiring inside, finding alternative coping mechanisms, keeping our hands busy, and even healing past traumas, we can break the cycle of anxiety and cuticle picking. With time and effort, we can develop healthier ways to manage our anxiety and find lasting relief.

Dear Diary… 7 Benefits of Journaling to Improve Your Health

You’ve had a really stressful day and thoughts about it won’t stop cycling in your head, and your body is feeling upset.  Or you had a difficult interaction with a partner, friend or coworker and your emotions are running wild and you’re struggling to calm down.  Or you can’t get your head to shut off when you’re trying to sleep.  Thoughts, feelings and emotions from the day keep you up.

Grab a notebook and start writing.  Just write what comes to mind or write what is specifically lingering in your thoughts or feelings.  It’s a kind of self therapy and an important part of self care.  No worries about grammar or spelling. Quiet any judge and let the pen flow on the paper. If you struggle with what to write, start where you are. Just write one sentence. Just write and don’t censor yourself. It’s just for you.

While some can write for hours at a time, researchers find that journaling for 15 minutes a day, three to five times a week, can significantly improve your physical and mental health. .

Should you write or type?

We live in a screen filled world, and typing is our typical go to.  If that’s the only way you’ll journal, then open your notes, and do it.  However, there are benefits to writing over typing.  Writing forces us to slow down which may feel challenging in our fast paced keyboard pounding lives.

According to Matthew Lieberman, a psychologist, brain scans show that putting your feelings down on paper reduces activity in the amygdala which is where the fight or flight response lives and controls the intensity of your emotions. So writing by hand can add increased calming to your body.

Writing by hand connects you with the words and allows your brain to focus on them, understand them and learn from them.  Writing by hand can be rhythmic, therapeutic, and calming. It can also jumpstart creativity.

7 Benefits of Journaling

1. Helps with emotional regulation

Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can help you process and regulate your emotions. By putting your emotions on paper, you may gain a better understanding of your feelings and be able to manage them more effectively. This is particularly helpful for individuals who are experiencing difficult emotions such as anxiety, depression, or anger.

2. Reduces stress and anxiety

Journal writing can be an effective tool for reducing stress and anxiety. When you write down your worries and concerns, you may feel like you're getting them out of your head and onto paper, which can help you feel more relaxed and calm. In addition, journaling can help you identify triggers for your stress and anxiety, which can help you avoid or manage those triggers in the future.

3. Improves self-awareness

Journaling can help individuals become more self-aware. By reflecting on your thoughts and experiences, you may gain new insights into your personality, behavior, and patterns of thinking. This can help you identify areas where you want to make changes in your life, as well as strengths that you want to build upon.

4. Boosts creativity

Journaling can also be a great way to boost your creativity. Writing down your thoughts and ideas can help you generate new ideas and explore your creativity. This is particularly helpful for individuals who are in creative fields such as writing, art, or design.

5. Enhances problem-solving skills

By reflecting on your experiences and emotions, you may be able to identify patterns or recurring problems in your life. This can help you develop effective strategies for problem-solving and decision-making. In addition, journaling can help you brainstorm potential solutions to problems and evaluate the pros and cons of each solution.

6. Promotes mindfulness

Journal writing can also be a way to practice mindfulness. By focusing on the present moment and your thoughts and feelings, you can become more aware of your surroundings and your inner experiences. This can help you feel more grounded and centered, and can also help you develop a greater sense of gratitude and appreciation for your life.

7. Helps your body heal

Studies show that writing about your stress helps improve lung functioning as well as journaling can help lower your blood pressure and help improve your immune system.

I started writing in a “diary” when I was nine years old. I was struggling with feelings after my parent’s divorced, and it gave me a place to get out my feelings. I wrote pretty consistently for many, many years. When we started typing for life, my journaling slowed down. However, recently I have been reacquainted with the emotional benefits of journaling. It really is a relief and letting go. Journal writing is a powerful tool that can help improve your mental health and wellbeing in a variety of ways. By exploring your thoughts and emotions on paper, you can gain new insights, manage stress and anxiety, boost your creativity, and develop effective problem-solving skills.  Get yourself a notebook and pen and go for it.

5 Travel Tips for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

How To Manage Travel as a Highly Sensitive Person

Traveling.  It can be so exciting and something to look forward to.  Yet for those with high sensitivity, it can bring stress.  And then feeling bad about being stressed for something that is supposed to feel good.  HSP’s nervous system can get overwhelmed by too many tasks and too many sensations at one time.

Here are 5 tips to help make travel less stressful as an HSP.

1. Prepare.  Prepare. Prepare.  Lists can be a tremendous benefit for HSP’s.  When there is so much processing going on all the time, creating lists of things to do or pack can ease the stress of trying to remember everything and feeling prepared before and during travel.  Put a list in your notes on your phone or keep a paper list handy.  Use what feels best for you. Remember that last minute packing can be overwhelming for the HSP.  Pack ahead to avoid the last minute panic and overwhelm.

2. The HSP toolkit.  The actual travel can be stressful as airports can be overstimulating for an HSP.  Be sure to create a travel toolkit just for your sensitive nature.  Which of your senses are stressed?  If sound is challenging, bring along some headphones to be able to listen to calming meditation music or music that soothes you.  Or a podcast for distraction.  Keep an eye mask handy for the flights and spaces when you need to block out the stimulation.  If you put some lavender on that eye mask, that can be calming, too.  HSP’s tend to get hangry so having nourishment along is important.  Pack some snack bars, nuts or fruit to keep from getting hungry and then hangry.  Temperature extremes or changes can be difficult for a highly sensitive person. Wearing layers to be able to add or take off items as necessary to keep your body comfortable is helpful for any temperature changes.  Simply having a scarf and some socks can be comfort changing! If your body feels anxious and overwhelmed from all the stimulation, having something to hold can be calming for an HSP (or anyone with anxiety). Holding a stone or even a koosh ball or a pom pom can help calm an over stimulated nervous system.

3. Plan for Downtime.  Schedule it in.  When we are fatigued and drained, our sensitivity is challenged.  When things get crazy busy and we have a lot going on, feeling drained, fatigued, body aches and brain fog can be high.  To prepare for that, set boundaries, make yourself a priority and schedule down time.  It is recommended that HSP’s get two hours a day of downtime, one day a week and one week every three months.  That might now always be easy, but it’s a guideline and a reminder to value having time to yourself.  We show up better and enjoy ourselves more when we have time to replenish and restore.

4. Practice 4-7-8 Breathing.  This breathing technique works by inhaling for a count of four, holding that breath for a count of seven and exhaling for a count of eight. Do this for four rounds. It’s good to practice it before heading into overstimulating situations. Here is a great video to learn more about this wonderful technique.

5. Mindfulness.  Active mindfulness is being present in the moment.  That practice can calm anxiety.  Just noticing your feet on the ground or paying attention to how your body feels in the space can allow the body to relax.  When the body is relaxed, it sends a message to the brain that all is okay. If you can step into nature, nature is the quickest way for HSP’s to restore and replenish.  Walk in a park or sit on the beach.  Just walking barefoot in some grass can be grounding. The idea is to just notice your body in space.

It’s not always easy having this beautiful trait while living in a nonsensitive world so it’s important to learn what works to navigate it all while being gentle with yourself.

5 Ways to Cope with Emotional Eating

Are you an emotional eater? An anxiety therapist in Boca Raton offering tips for emotional eating.

You have.a fight with your husband and you run to the kitchen to find something to eat.  You grab the bag of the potato chips and plop yourself on the couch.  Thirty minutes later, you realize you ate the entire bag.  You can’t believe you did that, AGAIN, after telling yourself this morning that you would “be good today.”  Now you are beating yourself up for it. You tell yourself tomorrow you will eat better.  Tomorrow comes and you notice that your friend hasn’t responded to your text you sent a couple of days ago, and you think she must be mad at you.  You go to the kitchen to grab a snack.  You eat half the brownies that were baked earlier in the day.  Again, an hour later, you are hating yourself for eating it.  

Though most of us know there is a thing about emotional eating, and maybe even know we do it, we tend to not think about it in the moment.  All we know is we want what we want. And usually at that point, we are in “f*&^ it” mode and don’t think we care.  

What is happening is a habit that was formed long ago where food was a substitute for nurturing that we needed.  Just like a baby sucks her thumb to stay calm, food is calming.  When eating brought that sense of calm that we weren’t getting from our parents, and that association with food was repeated over and over, it became habit.  Our brain learned that we feel better when we eat.  So when our body has the sensation that it needs nurturing and that familiar anxiety kicks in, we run to the kitchen.  

When we can learn to tune in to our body and give it what it needs, food can become less important.  Those chips that once were yelling to eat them from the kitchen can quiet down.  Our relationship with food can change when we change the wiring in our brain and body.

According to the Mayo Clinic, emotional hunger differs from physical hunger in that emotional hunger comes on suddenly, you only crave certain foods, you may overeat or binge and not sense the sensation of being full and then you feel guilt or shame for eating.  

Here are 5 ways to cope with emotional eating.  

1. Pause. Take a deep breath and notice how your body feels. Often just taking a mindful breath or two calms the body down, and the emotional hunger changes.

2.  Go for a walk in nature.  Nature is known to having a calming effect.  Adding walking to that time time in nature is a health bonus for your body and mind.

3. Call a friend. Talk it out.  Calling a friend can distract yourself AND it might make you feel better to get out what you are feeling.  When that settles, the need to emotionally eat could settle.  

4. Knit or find a hobby that keeps you busy. Knitting keeps your hands busy and you end up with something lovely in the end. Gardening can you get you outside, can be a good workout, and having hands in dirt can just feel good. Gaming! Find a hobby that feels good to you.

5. Journal what you are feeling.  Buy yourself a notebook or put it in notes on your phone. Journaling is a safe place to let out whatever is bothering you with no rules… just write what you feel as you feel it.  

Also important is to pause and ask yourself, “Am I really hungry?”  If you think you are, ask yourself if you would eat a food you hate - that can help gauge how hungry you are and where it might be coming from as emotional eating tends to cause us to crave sweets and carbohydrates, comfort food that brings a dopamine signal to the brain the feels good. 

Emotional hunger is not filled by eating.  It only calms it for the moment but the emotional need is still there which keeps the cycle going.  The cycle can end when one addresses the underlying emotional need.  

Calming the body, calms the mind.  When the mind is calm, you can make a different choice.  If you what to heal what’s underneath your emotional eating and heal those eating patterns, I am an anxiety therapist who can help you uncover and change your pattern.  Contact me for a free 15 minute phone consultation.  

4 Steps to Learn How to Be With Your Feelings

Don’t cry.  Crying is weak.  Many of us grow up with messages that we shouldn’t feel any “bad” feelings like anger or sadness.  So to be accepted, we learn to shut down and avoid feeling.  But emotions that start as sensations in our body are meant for our survival.  They give us messages about what’s happening.  Emotions let us know if our needs are being met - we cry as a baby to let our caregivers know we need something.  So we have an emotion and ask for what we need.  That doesn’t change as we age.  

When we grow up being told not to feel, yet our bodies naturally do, we must learn ways to cope which can show up in negative ways through drugs, shopping, over working, overeating, busyness or self harming behaviors.  These behaviors keep emotions at bay and bring us calm for the moment.  

Avoiding or ignoring emotions does not make them go away. They’re there waiting as soon as the avoiding behavior stops.  We also can not pick and choose what we are shutting down to so if you are shutting down to sadness or anger, you also shut down to happiness and joy. Your body numbs to all of it.   When we avoid them using negative behaviors, it only brings relief temporarily and then we need more and more things to keep emotions down and stay numb to them.  That becomes exhausting. 

Emotions are always flowing through us, coming and going.  You can experience difficult emotions and not stay stuck in them.  When we learn to sit with our feelings and just notice them, they only last about 60 seconds.  

When you learn to lean in and sit with your feelings, you can learn about what you need.  Just like a baby crying for food or nurturing.  A client expressed anger about how her partner was scheduling time to see her.  She felt anger and rage and the urge to end the relationship - her way of coping when anger or hurt arose in relationship.  Since learning to sit with and lean into what she was feeling, she noticed the anger move to sadness and hurt.  She was able to express that and processing through her feelings allowed her to stay in the relationship and they actually became closer.

Experiencing your emotions and being vulnerable with those we trust, brings us closer and can help us change that messaging and wiring that says “don’t feel.”  When we shut down to our feelings, we shut down to what we need. Emotions allow us to experience the joys and sorrows of life. They also help us to develop and navigate our way through relationships and make important life choices. 

How to start leaning into and sitting with your feelings.  

Your body has responses that provide you clues to exploring your emotional experience.  Increasing your awareness of your emotional experience will enhance your ability to stay in tune with the emotions you have. Tuning in and noticing allows your feelings to be there rather than pushing them away which can influence depression or anxiety. .  

1.  It starts with paying attention.  Simply pay attention to your emotion and where you feel it in your body.  As you scan your body from head to toe, you might notice several sensations.  That could be tightness or a lump in your throat, a knot in your stomach or a teary feeling in your eyes.  Notice the body response with curiosity.  Notice where it starts and where it stops. Notice if there is a temperature associated with it.  Where is it most intense? Where is it weakest? Is there any pulse or vibration? Is it light or heavy? Moving or still? Warm or cool? 

2.  Notice the body sensation.  Noticing the body sensation allows us to be more present to what we are feeling.  Just witness the physical sensation. Allow the sensation to be there even though you don’t like it.  This may be difficult and you may have a strong urge to push it away or fight the feeling.  Just acknowledge that urge and bring your attention back to the emotion and sensation.  

Remember: don't try to get rid of the sensation or alter it. If it changes by itself, that's OK. If it doesn't change, that's OK, too. Changing or getting rid of it is not the goal. The goal is to make peace with it, to let it be even if you don't like it or want it.

You may need to focus on the sensation anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes, until you completely give up the struggle with it. Be patient; take as long as you need. You're learning a valuable skill.

3.  Acknowledge that you are feeling. Name it to tame it or feel it to heal it, they say.  When we are habited to avoid our feelings, it’s uncomfortable to notice what we are feeling and not go to our habit to avoid or shut down.  Acknowledge there are emotions here.  Say to yourself, “I’m feeling sad, and that’s okay.”  That loosens the grip the emotion has over us.

Most of us fear emotions will take over but emotions are in control when we feel the need to avoid them or push them away.  Ask yourself what am I feeling?  Can I be with it?  What do I need now?  How can I nurture myself?  

4.  Allow feelings to move THROUGH, not get stuck or wallow, but move through. The key is to try not to control your emotions.  That is the hardest part.  Be kind and compassionate with yourself, like you would with a friend or a child.  Validate that you are feeling something and it’s okay.  Being with it allows it to lessen its grip on us and our need to push it away.  

It takes practice to change a habit and the wiring in our brain to avoid feelings. But how beautiful it is to feel it all!

When we learn to be with and process our feelings, we live a less stressful and healthier life and experience closer relationships.  If you want to learn to stop avoiding what you feel or to regulate overwhelming feelings and find tools to cope with your feelings, contact me here.  

What Do You Want More of in 2022?

Word of the Year

What would it be like to create change in 2022?

The new year tends to feel like a new beginning or fresh start.  Many declare resolutions which quickly dissolve without success.  I do see the new year (and any day of the year!) as a time for setting intentions. For the past many years, I have chosen a word as my focus that leads to my intentions for the year.  Though the new year is a great time to do this - it can be done any day of the year. Any day is a good day to set an intention and create more of what feels good.  

I invite you to choose a word for 2022 that allows you to build a consciousness in you about the type of life you want to have, the ways in which you want to grow that honors what you most want to feel in your life.

Some things to think about as you choose your word - 

What feeling do you want more of in your life? What shift or focus would bring you a greater sense of well-being or satisfaction in your life?

What are some of the words you hope will describe your 2022?

If you had to choose a word for 2022 right now, what would it be?  

Choose one to five words that really speak to how you want your year to feel. Nouns, verbs, anything works—just words that feel good to you. Don’t get caught up in the grammar. Review them all together, then narrow it down to one that you know in your heart you need more, Of note: if you have more than one word in mind, complete the rest of these questions with each word in mind.

Why do you think you need this word and all that it manifests in 2022?

What would embodying this word daily look like for you?

How was this word already a part of your life?

In what ways do you need to better embody this word?

What happens if you don't grasp this word in your life?

If you embody this word every single day in 2022, how would your life be different on January 1, 2023?

What are some things that incorporating this word into your life will cause you to manifest, create, do, build, complete?

Visualize what the perfect day would feel like.  Think about how you want your morning to feel, how you want to feel at work or throughout the day, and how you want to feel right before you go to bed.  I also recommend meditating or sitting in silence for a couple of minutes and asking yourself, "what word do I want to focus on in 2022?  This is simple but effective.  You'd be amazed how being still can help your intuition shine through, and bring your word to the forefront.  

I invite you to think about what this time next year might look like if you gave yourself the gift of really living your word or phrase. Consider making a list that begins with "2022 was the year I..."

Some words to consider... 

Beloved

Love

Compassion

Kindness

Body Love

Confidence

Worthiness

Enough

Embody

Mindful

Calm 

Be Yourself

Uniquely You

Radical Self-Love

Set Free

Embrace

Making Peace

Bloom

Valuable/Valued

Thrive

Believe

Sacred

Cherished

Treasured

Awareness

Exquisite

Loving

Reclaim

Body Peace

Connection

Emerge

Wholehearted

Sweetness

Passion

Shine

Self-Acceptance

Claiming Space

Devoted

Enchanting

Adore

Care

Cultivate

Reverence

Nourish

Support

Nurture

Radiance

Open up

Live/Alive

Whole

New Perspective

Home

Heal

Acceptance

Ease

Wholeness

Letting Go

Possibility

Reconnect

Savor

Brave

Listen

Authentic Self

Flourish

Full

Revolution

Yes

Discover

Embrace

Heroine

Voice

Intuitive

Journey

Hope

Celebrate

Change

Unique

Appreciate

Seen

See with New Eyes

Permission

Tell Your Story

Visible

Recognition

Movement

New

Heart

Lovable

Forgive

Unconditional

Spark

Magnificence

Precious

Luminosity

Grow

As You Are

Right Here, Right Now

Dare to be…

Inherent Worth

Open to Possibility

Celebrate

Feast on Your Life

Choose Love

Find a word beyond the list. What feels good? What resonates with you? What do you need more of in your life? What scares you? What do you admire in another that could be lying dormant within you?

Listen to the whispers... Declare it. Embrace it. See how life unfolds.... 

Here's to a magical, create-what-you-want 2022....

A Calming Exercise for Anxiously Attached and their High Sensitivity

You can learn to calm your anxiety

An Anxiety Therapist Offers a tip for calming HSP’s and Anxiously Attached in Relationship

I remember feeling insecure as a little girl.  I remember not feeling good about myself in the dance class that I so desperately wanted when I was five.  I would stand in the back not wanting to be noticed all the while wanting to be noticed.  I was so afraid of doing it wrong and being rejected. I think I quit it.  Now when I go back to those memories, I just feel sad for that little girl who desperately needed someone to have her back, someone to cheer her on and believe in her and help her through her fears.  

I understand that I am highly sensitive which makes my which means my senses can get overstimulated or overwhelmed setting off the fight, flight or freeze response. I became quiet as a child for self protection, and I was definitely labeled shy as a little girl with a negative connotation attached to it, like it was a bad thing.  Without having anyone around who understood the high sensitivity trait, and not knowing how to cope with it, my nervous system would kick in to protect me.  I would either lash out in crying or hide..  I froze in the dance class and then quit to flee/flight. That pattern of coping became what was wired in my brain whenever I didn’t feel safe, even when I knew it didn’t feel good, and I didn’t like it.  I had no idea how to calm my nervous system to feel safe.  

What causes anxious attachment?

When we are born, we do not have the capacity to self regulate.  Everything is big and loud.  We are sensitive to our environment. If we hear a loud crash or someone scary comes near us, we feel it, and we get startled.  If someone is holding us who is stressed, and that person does not feel safe in their body, or they have unresolved trauma, we are going to feel that, too.  We need our parent or caregiver to help us regulate our nervous system.  If they can’t regulate their own, they struggle to help us regulate, too.  How we are interacted with by our parents or caregivers determines how our nervous system is going to be regulated.   

My mother did not have a mother that attuned to her emotions so she did not have a regulated nervous system.  For her to survive her own childhood, she had to shut down.  Then she has me, in addition to a stressful marriage, where she does not have the capacity to attune to my genetic trait of high sensitivity. So when my mother was stressed or upset or my father had a bad day (he also did not have a regulated nervous system due to his own childhood trauma), my nervous system was attuned to that.  I needed these people for my survival yet they didn’t feel safe.  That put my nervous system on constant alert.   I was born with the sensitivity trait, and then I had parents who were inconsistent and not in tune to my emotions and needs and could not teach me how to regulate my emotions.

Highly sensitive people are hyper vigilant to their surroundings, and when they have parents who are not in tune to their emotions and needs, that can lead to a preoccupied or anxious attachment style.  The HSP baby’s nervous system that is already sensitive and becomes hyper vigilant when their needs are not consistently responded to.  When we cry needing to be fed but our parent doesn’t respond quick enough, our nervous system sends a signal to the brain that we are threatened.  We might cry harder.  They finally come.  If this happens continuously, our nervous system gets wired with anxiety in trusting our environment so anytime we don’t feel safe, that sensation sends a signal to our brain, and we either fight, flight to freeze.  

Why does being anxiously attached matter?

Though that begins in our childhood, our attachment style shows up throughout our lives in our adult relationships.  When you’re anxiously attached, you feel sensitive if a partner doesn’t respond to a text, or a friend seems to ignore you or a boss criticizes your work.  Your body remembers that early feeling of possible rejection or abandonment, and your nervous system is alerted to protect you.  Any feeling of possible rejection feels so threatening as if we could die if that connection breaks, we have to find a way to relieve it.  

When your brain senses that threat, our bodies respond and we can feel so anxious inside, hearts racing, restlessness and feeling on edge, a tightness in your chest or a stomach hurting.  It feels like the only way to relieve that is to get the person who seems to be triggering it to respond.

Many preoccupied or anxiously attached will start “bombing” their lost connection as noted by Pia Melody in the book Love Addiction.  That can look like ruminating through thoughts of what to text or post on social media to get the person’s attention or impulsively calling or texting repeatedly.  The goal is to get that person to respond to calm the anxiety in the body.  Or we find ways of distracting ourselves with food, social media, oversleeping or shopping or whatever has worked for us in the past to avoid that empty, rejecting, disconnected feeling.  Getting relief is the only focus. 

It’s important to learn to calm your own nervous system.  When we can calm ourselves, we feel more secure. 

When your body is calm, your mind is calm.  

Here is one practice that can help calm an activated attachment style. 

1.  Place your hand over your heart so that you feel the warm touch of your hand on your chest.  

2.  Begin to breathe more slowly, more gently, more deeply, into your heart center.

3. Recall a moment, just one moment, when you felt safe, loved, and cherished by another human being. (With practice, evoking this memory can happen instantly, too).  Not the entire relationship, just one moment with a spouse or a parent or a child or even with a friend, a therapist, a teacher or even a beloved pet.

4.  As you remember this moment, let its warmth wash through your body; savor this feeling for 30 seconds.

5.  When you are ready, reflect on any shift you felt in your body from the practice.  

Remember, when your body is calm, your mind is calm.

My relationships have not been easy.  I am hypervigilant to other’s feelings that any slight feeling of rejection used to send me into a tailspin of emotion.  In addition to processing through old experiences with EMDR and Emotionally Focused Therapy and healing that little girl in the dance class, I have learned how to calm my nervous system so the rejection threats don’t trigger me as they used to.  It takes some work, but I feel so much calmer, and my relationships are so much more intimate and authentic.  

Anxiety is a normal emotional response, and it is important to acknowledge it when it arises. If anxiety is interfering with your daily life and your relationships, you may want to seek counseling.  Remember, anxiety is just your brain doing what it does and you can learn ways to change it’s path.  

Body Scan Meditation

Body scan mediation from an Anxiety Therapist in Boca Raton

A Body Scan Meditation to Help You Connect and Ground from an Anxiety Therapist in Boca Raton

Notice your shoulders. Right now, just notice. Are they tense? Tight? Relaxed? Just notice how your shoulders feel.

We live in a very busy, distracted world. We don’t know what feel. We tend to not pay attention to our bodies until our body gives us reason, usually through discomfort or pain. Our body often somatizes emotions showing up in our body with various symptoms as back pain, headaches or digestive issues. We carry so much stress and absorb so much tension and rigidity that can reveal itself physically, mentally and emotionally.

A way to reconnect with the body and tune in is by practicing the body scan. Though many find the body scan relaxing, that is not necessarily the goal. It is to be fully where you are with acceptance. As Jon Kabat-Zinn notes, “it is only through acceptance of the actuality of the present, no matter how painful or frightening or undesirable it may be, that change and growth and healing can come about.” The practice of the body scan is a way of being with your body as it is, a way of being with yourself as you are in this moment, a way of being whole right now. Imagine that!

When I was first introduced to the body scan in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course (MBSR), I found it quite uncomfortable. I wanted to “get it,” whatever that meant. My judge was loud. i wanted to do it right and get what I thought I was supposed to get. I learned that it’s not about getting anything or anywhere. It’s simply about noticing. It’s about being with your body in the moment and accepting what is. Once I let go of any expectations, I found it to be a great way to simply know myself. Consistently practicing the body scan, I connected with my body in a very different way. I was in awe of the changes inside of myself. It helped me notice sensations which before would show up behaviorally in unhealthy ways. I felt empowered. It is.a daily practice, and each day is a different experience. I have gained body awareness which helps to alleviate stress since often the signal is in the body before it’s in the mind.

Some benefits of the body scan are reducing stress and anxiety, help with managing chronic pain and getting better sleep.

The body scan mediation helps reduce anxiety and stress.

Emotion, like anger and sadness. have a correlating body sensation. That might be tightness in your chest, tension in your jaw, or a knot in your stomach. The body scan is a good way to release tension you didn’t know you were experiencing. When you can notice your body sensations, you will learn your body’s physical signals and improve your ability to cope with anxiety and stress by giving yourself a choice rather than over (fight) or under (flight) reacting to a trigger or experience. The practice trains you to stay with physical sensations even when they are uncomfortable. It is known that avoidance makes anxiety spiral so noticing and accepting what is in the moment, calms the nervous system, alleviating anxiety and stress.

The body scan helps manage chronic pain.

Learning to breath with the pain relaxes the body which reduces the pain. Studies have shown that the body scan reduces cortisol levels which is the stress hormone that increases pain. It reduces muscular tension and tightness in the body alleviating pain. Rather than fighting against your pain, the body scan offers more acceptance, compassion and gentleness.

The body scan improves sleep.

Scanning the body allows tension to alleviate and prepares the body for sleep. The simple act of breathing, focusing and noticing promotes relaxation. With consistent practice, the body knows to calm down to sleep.

How to do the body scan:

1. Lie on the floor or sit in a chair. If you feel you might fall asleep, it might be better to sit up.

2. Focus on how you feel. Notice any sensations or lack of sensations without judging. Notice how your body feels on the floor and take a few deep breaths.

3. Move your attention to your body starting with your feet. It’s simply scanning the body from your feet, legs, torso, shoulders, back to the top of your head and noticing any sensations as you slowly and gradually scan each part. Notice any tingling, tightness, pressure, pulsing, heaviness or lightness.

4. When thoughts come in and take you away - and they will! - just bring yourself back to your breath and your body.

5. Be open and curious to what you are noticing without judgment. When your mind wanders - and it will! - just bring your attention to your body sensations and breathing.

5. Take your body in as a whole. When you have scanned each part, notice how your body feels as a whole. Take a few deep breaths and slowly open your eyes and wiggle your fingers to conclude the meditation.

How long should a body scan take? That depends how much time you have. Just ten minutes a day can be valuable, but thirty to forty minutes is recommended. Practicing mini body scans throughout the day is beneficial. It is a good way to reset a crazy busy day by letting the mind rest while you tune in to your body. Set a reminder on your phone to check in and scan your body. Just a few minutes to scan how your shoulders feel and even your face and jaw (many hold feelings in their jaw) while taking a few deep breaths and just noticing.

Practicing the same time everyday helps create a habit. With daily practice, the body scan promotes body awareness and stress awareness. It is shown to reduce stress and anxiety which in turn can reduce inflammation, fatigue and insomnia as well as help with chronic pain..

Since the body scan mediation is not easy to do on our own as we are not used to being with our body this way, try listening to a guided meditation.

Crafting Your Way Through Anxiety and Depression

crafting alleviates anxiety and depression (here is the project pattern)

Covid has really been challenging for so many of us. Not being able to see those we love or freely do what we love without wearing a mask and fearing getting exposed to covid is very taxing to one one’s mental health. There are all kinds of things to do to take care of ourselves through it such as have a daily routine, choose when to watch the news and limit your time watching it, get outside and make time for meaningful social interaction even if via video or phone.

Through the pandemic, I returned to knitting. Perusing projects and finding the perfect yarn has been an inspiring task. Then actually doing the project keeps me busy and focused.

I started knitting about 15 years ago.  I’m not sure what started me on that path.  It could have been the amazing Boulder, Colorado women where I worked who all seemed to knit and knitted for good causes.  Whatever started me down that path, I bought a DVD to teach myself, and off I went. I remember going into yarn stores and being able to see and touch all the beautiful yarns. I would be on a high, so excited about my purchase and anticipating the beautiful projects I would create. I always had a knitting project going. I would take them with me wherever I went, and whenever I had to wait, I would knit. 

Then I moved away to a place where there are very few yarn stores. At the same time, smart phones became part of our lives where we are never without it. So instead of knitting when I had to wait, the phone gave me that same feeling of distraction and charge inside. Though I have knitted on and off over the past many years, I was reinspired by a post on Instagram that lead to a project that I got excited to knit. I’m now back to putting the phone down and picking up knitting which feels so good.

When I would find myself out in the world knitting, I would get comments from people such as “wow, what an old-fashioned hobby.“ I think those women back in the day knew what they were doing. Life is stressful and hectic. Studies have shown that knitting brings a calm to the mind just as meditation and yoga. It can lower your heart rate and blood pressure and reduce harmful blood levels of the stress hormone cortisol. It also sends a dopamine signal to the brain as you enjoy the pleasure of creating something.

The Association for Craft Industries (AFCI) study reports that 28.8 million people participated in knitting or crochet in 2016.  It found that 71% of knitters and crocheters are female while 29% are male, all who are taking up the 1,800-year-old craft not out of necessity, but because they find it meditative, restorative, creative, or an avenue to connect with others. 

Our bodies are in a constant state of stress because our brain can't tell the difference between an upcoming meeting with the boss and an upcoming bear attack. The repetitive motions of knitting activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which quiets that "fight or flight" response. Unlike meditation, craft activities result in tangible and often useful products that can also enhance self-esteem.

When you lose yourself in creating, whether that is with music, photography, drawing, painting or even cooking, we are focused on that task. Our nervous system is only capable of processing a certain amount of information at a time (we cannot listen and understand two people speak at once) so when we are creating, we get completely absorbed in the activity and nothing else seems to matter.  It helps to regulate strong emotions and prevent irrational thoughts.  

So this “old fashioned” craft is helping our brains, our bodies and we get something beautiful to wear! Find a craft or activity that you can focus on and let your brain and body reap the benefit especially during these challenging times of Covid.