An Anxiety Therapist and Relationship Counselor in Boca Raton explains your attachment style

I had a client struggling with her boyfriend’s weekly biking time. He would go bicycling for the day, and she wouldn’t hear a word from him all day.  She would call and text him repeatedly, and he wouldn’t answer.  She would feel incredibly anxious inside, just needing him to answer her.  A text or phone call would bring her huge relief.  But he was on his bike, not paying any attention to his phone, getting the distance he needed and basking in his independence. 

We are born needing others and that doesn’t change as we go through our lives.  Yes, we need to learn to be independent, and with that, we best succeed when we know another has our back. 

We thrive and do best in life when

we go out into the world feeling secure

and trusting someone will be there when we need them.  

As infants, our brain wires in how to survive if our caregiver is consistent, inconsistent or unavailable in responding to us.  If we are raised by a caregiver who was inconsistent in our care where we are given what we need one moment, but then our caregiver was busy taking care of our siblings or working or just simply distracted, we become untrusting of our needs being met.  When we can’t trust that someone will come and respond to our needs, we become anxious.  To calm that anxiety, we cling to our caregiver, waiting for them to give us what we need.  That becomes what feels like love to us and follows us throughout our future relationships.  

If our primary caregiver is not emotionally available or unresponsive and ignores our needs, we learn to stop seeking closeness and expressing emotion, and learn to suppress what we need and feel.  We learn having needs doesn’t feel good, and we must be independent to survive.  When that is what gets wired in our brains in infancy, it carries through in our romantic relationships.  

This is all known as our attachment style.  There are four common attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.

Simply said, secure individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence and are usually warm and loving.  They trust their partners and can communicate openly about their feelings. Securely attached people tend to have healthy boundaries and are resilient in the face of conflict. If you identify with this style, congratulations! You have a strong foundation for nurturing relationships.

Anxious preoccupied individuals crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, fearing abandonment. They feel insecure about where their relationship is going and may need a lot of reassurance. They can seem clingy and possessive. They tend to be reactive to little things their partner does. Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness but fear abandonment. This can lead to heightened sensitivity to their partner’s signals and behaviors. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward fostering a more secure sense of self and improving relational dynamics.

With avoidant attachment style, individuals become uncomfortable when things get close and fear intimacy, seeing it as a loss of independence.  If someone gets too close, they feel suffocated and seek space. They need to maintain physical and emotional distance to feel comfortable. They don’t reach for others and don’t receive when people reach for them. They may struggle with vulnerability and often keep partners at arm’s length. This detachment can stem from early experiences where emotional needs were not adequately met. Understanding this pattern can help individuals work towards more fulfilling connections by gradually allowing intimacy into their lives.

Disorganized attachment style ioften arises from inconsistent or traumatic experiences in childhood. Individuals with this style may show a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, leading to confusion in relationships. They might long for closeness but simultaneously push people away. Therapy can be particularly beneficial for those with disorganized attachment, helping them to develop a more coherent narrative and healthier relational patterns.

Pia Melody in the book, “Love Addiction,” describes anxiously or preoccupied attached and dismissive or avoidantly attached as having the same two fears: abandonment and intimacy.  With preoccupied attachment, individuals consciously fear abandonment and unconsciously fear intimacy where avoidantly attached individuals consciously fear intimacy and unconsciously fear abandonment. Studies show that about 50 percent are secure, 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant and 5 percent are combination of both anxious and avoidant (knows as disorganized attachment).  

Moving Towards Secure Attachment

Understanding your attachment style is the first step in fostering healthier relationships. Here are a few strategies:

• Self-Reflection: Take time to explore your past relationships and identify patterns in your attachment style.

• Open Communication: Share your feelings and fears with your partner. This builds trust and encourages a supportive environment.

• Seek Therapy: Working with a psychotherapist can provide valuable insights and tools for changing unhelpful relationship patterns.

 

With the girlfriend seeking her boyfriend - she is has an anxious or preoccupied attachment style.  When he doesn’t respond to her call or text, her preoccupied attachment kicks in, and she fears being abandoned.  She needs the reassurance to calm it, so she repeatedly reaches out.  When her boyfriend sees all the missed calls and texts, his avoidant attachment kicks in, and he feels anxious as well, suffocated by her seeming neediness. By the time they connect, she is emotionally overwhelmed, and when he hears that, he just wants to stay away.  The preoccupied attached and avoidant attached are considered the most challenged in intimate relationship. 

Though research shows that our attachment style remains consistent through our lives, if you have one of the insecure attachment styles, either preoccupied, avoidant or disorganized, you can become more secure in your relationships.  

In therapy, this couple has learned to communicate their feelings, gained tools for self soothing and learned to navigate their different attachment needs.  She has learned to understand his need for space and self soothe when her anxious attachment wound is triggered, and he has learned to check in with her at least once when he is gone for a day. They have practiced taking care of each others wounds and created a stronger relationship through it.

It’s incredibly valuable to explore attachment patterns and heal your past to be able to have the healthier, secure relationships that we desire. To learn what your attachment style is, take this quiz. If you’re interested in exploring your attachment style further or need support, feel free to reach out here.. Together, we can navigate the path to healthier relationships.