Your boyfriend is away for work, and you’re loving every minute of your freedom.  Then he calls to say his work trip was cut short, and he’s coming home.  You’re looking forward to seeing him, but you dread his neediness.  You think about how he’ll want to occupy all your time, and you feel like you can’t do what you want to do.  It feels suffocating.  You don’t want to hurt his feelings so you suck it up, but then you feel overwhelmed and trapped and start resenting him.  It goes downhill from there.  

This is what it feels like when your attachment style is dismissive avoidant, also called a love avoidant.  Research tells us that about 25% of the population has this style of attachment.  These individuals were raised by caregivers who were consistently inattentive to their child’s needs.  The parent or caregiver puts their needs above their child’s needs, and the emotional connection goes from the child to nourish the parent rather than from parent to child. These caregivers tend to be needy and put too much emotional responsibility on their child which feels draining, suffocating and controlling.  That closeness triggers anxiety and the relief comes by creating distance. As adults, intimacy and closeness bring more misery based on their experience as a child.  The intimacy and closeness feels overwhelming, and they fear losing their independence and sense of control. The challenge is that deep inside, they want to depend on others, they want closeness, however, based on their experiences, fear got wired in that others won’t be there or will overwhelm them with their needs. This, in turn, makes them feel abandoned and rejected as their needs are not met, so they learn to suppress their needs. They can become numb and closed off. Therefore, when someone wants to get close, unconsciously that fear shows up and the dismissive avoidant needs to create distance to feel safe and avoid losing their independence.

Here are some signs of having a dismissive avoidant attachment style: 

Distancing behaviors. To keep other’s at arm’s length, dismissive avoidants use distancing behaviors that can show up as over working, substance abuse, developing physical or emotional intimacy outside of the relationship, withdrawing and being silent and seeming to sabotage relationships when things are going well.

Fear of commitment. A dismissive avoidant may be noncommittal about future plans or where your relationship is going.  You end time together and avoid making definite plans for a next time.  Or you make plans and the dismissive avoidant continually cancels, just needing to create space.

No sharing of feelings.  Dismissive avoidants tend to avoid talking about their feelings, needing to repress them.  Though they may share if there is a specific event or crisis, it ends at that. They see talking about feelings as “too sensitive” and “needy.” They want to control the relationship by keeping the other at arm’s length.

Inconsistent contact.  Dismissive avoidants do not necessarily feel the need to connect daily.  When asked for more contact, they may feel overwhelmed by the request and could withdraw even more .  

Physical contact.  They may limit physical contact and only show affection during sex.  As the relationship seems to get closer, their affection may become less and less, as they feel suffocated by the closeness.  

Elusive.  Avoidant partners may seem elusive in their sharing.  They don’t want to be known and feel that closeness for a fear of being engulfed, controlled or manipulated as they were manipulated by their caregivers when they were children as a way to get them to take care of them.   

Mixed messages.  Love avoidants can be very charming and “say the right thing” to get attention but when that attention becomes too intimate or they feel responsible for the other’s needs, they pull away. They can say they want to spend more time, yet find other things to keep chronically busy. So they can send mix messages by pulling you in one moment and pushing you away the next. 

Critical.  Love avoidants can find little things wrong and criticize and belittle their partner as a way to keep distance.  They tend to focus on the negatives of the relationship rather than the positives.  Love avoidants can seem to have high standards on what they are looking for - standards that are unrealistic to keep someone distant.  They can also idolize a past relationship, remembering the good and believing if they were still in that previous relationships, they would be happy.  

All of these behaviors to maintain distance and avoid intimacy are for self protection.  Dismissive avoidants are not avoiding love; they protect themselves by avoiding intimacy. They can be in a committed relationship for decades and withhold emotional intimacy.

The good news is there are tools to manage an avoidant attachment style so you can have a healthy secure relationship.  

1. Awareness of distancing behaviors is key.  Take note to how distance is created in your relationship.  When distancing behaviors are activated, pause and ask yourself “is this is a distancing strategy? Am I trying to keep another from getting close? Is my attachment system triggered, and telling me to step back?” Remember that your attachment system is skewed, and you need intimacy despite your discomfort.  

2.  When you feel the need to leave, communicate to your partner that you need space rather than just ignoring them or disappearing.  Getting the space you need lets you calm your nervous system as well as learning to ask for what you need and getting what you need is healing.  

3.  Learning to practice mindfulness is a tool for minimizing reactivity. Paying attention to when you feel anxious or suffocated in your relationship allows you to notice your impulse whether to act out or withdraw. That’s a moment to take a breath and pause. When you can be mindful of your responses and reactions, you can change habitual patterns that cause conflict. It also allows you to sit with any uncomfortable feelings that may arise that usually make you withdraw.

4.  Amir Levine in the book, “Attached,” believes it’s important to have a person you can turn to when your attachment system goes into overdrive and your judgement is clouded so you can get a different perspective.  That could be a close friend, confidant or counselor. Being reminded of your destructive attachment behaviors can help you move toward a more secure emotional place inside before you act out and hurt your relationship.  

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you! Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are normal reactions of your biological wiring in your brain responding to the environment. The first step to healing a dismissive avoidant attachment style is awareness.  You can learn what doesn’t come naturally to you. Healing does exist, and you can have a healthy secure relationship. If you want to learn more and find the tools to help you rewire your avoidantly attached brain so that you feel better in your relationships, contact me, an anxiety and relationship therapist, at (561) 406-4398 or contact me here.