You broke up with your boyfriend AGAIN, and now you’re questioning if it was the right decision.  He was so attentive at first, and that felt so good.  But then you didn’t hear from him for four hours, and his reason didn’t feel believable to you. It felt like he was hiding something.  So you decided to make him wait to hear back from you.  He said he understood that you had trust issues and wanted to allow trust to grow.  But something changed for you after your exchange when he wasn’t available.  You felt so afraid to trust him, and you didn’t feel comfortable or know how to talk about it.  So you ended the relationship.  Now, you just want to reach out to him and make it right again.  

This is what it’s like for a person who has a fearful attachment or disorganized attachment style. We learn about attachment through our relationship with our primary caregivers in childhood.  When our caregiver is consistent and attentive, we have a secure attachment.  If our caregiver is inconsistent or negligent, we have an insecure attachment style (preoccupied, avoidant or disorganized).  Our attachment stays with us as we grow into adulthood and affects our adult relationships.  

Those with disorganized attachment can be anxious at times or avoidant at times depending on what is happening. Disorganized attachment style develops when, as a child, a caregiver was unpredictable, inattentive and chaos or trauma was experienced.  These caregivers are often insensitive and rejecting. They’re inconsistent in their behaviors and tend to be much more aggressive in their parenting. Most with disorganized attachment grew up in a house where there was a lot of chaos and fear and a lack of awareness and responsiveness to the child’s needs.. Often, fear was instilled from the people who were meant to give care and nurturing.  It’s very confusing to the child as the caregiver can be unpredictable which creates anxiety and a need to find self protection. The child can feel afraid to reach out to the parent because of how they responded in the past. The message is those I love and who love me are not always safe.

Here are signs of fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment:

Feelings of unworthiness. 

Fear of abandonment and rejection.

Fear of trusting others.

A strong desire to be in relationship along with a strong fear to be in relationship.

Fear of sharing too much and exposing feelings.

Emotional highs and lows when they vacillate from wanting a relationship to feeing suffocated in relationship.  

In adult relationships, disorganized attached individuals struggle to trust and feel safe being vulnerable all the while feeling afraid of being abandoned.  Those with a fearful avoidant attachment view themselves as unworthy and undeserving of love.  Because of feelings of mistrust, they fear giving others their love as they believe they will be hurt or rejected. 

Since with these caregivers, there is a lack of encouragement where they will not help with difficult tasks or they get frustrated quickly if the child doesn’t get the task quickly enough, they may scold the child or attack them for not getting it which leads to low self esteem and a sense of not not being good enough. Because of the inconsistency in responding to their child’s needs where one time they may comfort them physically but yell at them, and the next time not even notice and completely ignore their needs, they have difficulty trusting others and are hesitant in sharing about themselves and their feelings.  When someone wants more intimacy or wants them to express their feelings, they withdraw in order to protect themselves and not feel exposed.  Feeling not good enough and fearing rejection, a disorganized attached individual tends to end relationships out of fear.  

The good news is you can heal your disorganized attachment style.  

Seeking a therapist who can help uncover and heal the wounds that lead to your disorganized attachment is important.  A relationship with a therapist gives the experience of trust in a relationship as well as a way to heal past traumas.  

Learn to regulate your emotions through a mindfulness practice.  When you’re activated (anxious such as wanting to reach out repeatedly, needing reassurance from your partner) or deactivated (withdrawing such as doing distancing behaviors by leaving or watching tv to avoid contact), mindfulness allows you to be aware of what you are feeling and change your reactions.  

Dissect the story you are telling. We tell a story to ourselves about what is happening. That story may or may not be true but it is based on our past experiences and OUR perspective. The stories we tell ourselves shape how we feel inside. Inquire about the story you are telling yourself about what is happening, if you are really being abandoned/rejected or trapped. Is that really true?

Growing your self esteem and learning to value yourself.  Write affirmations and say them to yourself throughout the day.  The brain responds to what we tell ourselves.  Positive self talk is important.  Focus on your strengths and learn what makes you, you.  Find what feels good to you in your life.  

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you! Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are normal reactions of your biological wiring in your brain responding to the environment. If you can accept that it was the environment that shaped your emotional system and personality, you will be able to stop blaming yourself and find tools that help you change.

The first step to healing disorganized attachment is awareness.  Healing does exist and you can have a healthy secure relationship. If you want to learn more and find the tools to help you rewire your fearful avoidant attachment so that you feel better in your relationships, call me, an anxiety and relationship therapist, at (561) 406-4398 or contact me here.